I realize that in two month's it will be a year since I posted in here. I guess a lot has to do with the fact that my spiritual life has become a rollercoaster to hell. I will get into all of that later.
Since the last post, my parent's have gotten into the church. Dad got saved not long after joining. Which has been an amazing thing. Which, I think God for all the time. I'm not sure about my mom, but she still has issue's to work-out. I'm sure she will in all due time.
Me on the other hand, that's another story. I read the few post's I had posted in here, and I can remember the excitment I felt while posting those message's. Now, I don't know what I feel. Since then, I went into withdrawl mode. Which all started happening about 6 month's into going to that church. Questioning the fact if God existed. If so, what's the real point behind all of this. So on, and so forth. I even went as far as turning my back on Christianity. Messed with another belief. I had heard about it before from some of my family member's who are Cherokee, and practise that belief. However, I felt guilty. What am I doing?, I'd ask myself. Your crazy! Your going to have to pay for this someday!, I scolded myself. Even though I tried something else, I couldn't help but think, What is God thinking? What is God feeling? Is he angry at me, or does He understand?
Granted, I haven't been to church in probably a month. However, I've been slacking off from three night's a week to two time's a week. To once a week. Then, I just stopped all together. Then again, a lot could have had to do with what was going inside the church. It continue's to happen still, which make's me not want to go.
I fear that God won't accept me back. I've prayed for forgiveness, but I feel nothing. I pray, but I don't feel anything anymore. Has He left me? Am I damned for eternity? What was I thinking? How could I be so stupid! No, God didn't leave me; I left Him. Why am I so shocked that He hasn't sent me any sign's? I should have expected it. I guess if this is what I get sent to Hell for, then I deserve it. I knew from the moment I considered leaving Christianity, that I could be making the biggest mistake I could ever make. I did it anyway. I regret a lot of things, but I don't regret anything like I do this.
Lord, I realize what I have done. I realize that I have sinned against you. Lord, I'm asking if You will please wash these stain's away, dear God. I ask for your forgiveness. I know I've made a mistake, and I will probably always regret it. Jesus, please forgive me, and wash me clean of this. Thank you, Lord. Amen!
Posted by Nikki ::
7:08 PM ::
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