I realize that in two month's it will be a year since I posted in here. I guess a lot has to do with the fact that my spiritual life has become a rollercoaster to hell. I will get into all of that later.
Since the last post, my parent's have gotten into the church. Dad got saved not long after joining. Which has been an amazing thing. Which, I think God for all the time. I'm not sure about my mom, but she still has issue's to work-out. I'm sure she will in all due time.
Me on the other hand, that's another story. I read the few post's I had posted in here, and I can remember the excitment I felt while posting those message's. Now, I don't know what I feel. Since then, I went into withdrawl mode. Which all started happening about 6 month's into going to that church. Questioning the fact if God existed. If so, what's the real point behind all of this. So on, and so forth. I even went as far as turning my back on Christianity. Messed with another belief. I had heard about it before from some of my family member's who are Cherokee, and practise that belief. However, I felt guilty. What am I doing?, I'd ask myself. Your crazy! Your going to have to pay for this someday!, I scolded myself. Even though I tried something else, I couldn't help but think, What is God thinking? What is God feeling? Is he angry at me, or does He understand?
Granted, I haven't been to church in probably a month. However, I've been slacking off from three night's a week to two time's a week. To once a week. Then, I just stopped all together. Then again, a lot could have had to do with what was going inside the church. It continue's to happen still, which make's me not want to go.
I fear that God won't accept me back. I've prayed for forgiveness, but I feel nothing. I pray, but I don't feel anything anymore. Has He left me? Am I damned for eternity? What was I thinking? How could I be so stupid! No, God didn't leave me; I left Him. Why am I so shocked that He hasn't sent me any sign's? I should have expected it. I guess if this is what I get sent to Hell for, then I deserve it. I knew from the moment I considered leaving Christianity, that I could be making the biggest mistake I could ever make. I did it anyway. I regret a lot of things, but I don't regret anything like I do this.
Lord, I realize what I have done. I realize that I have sinned against you. Lord, I'm asking if You will please wash these stain's away, dear God. I ask for your forgiveness. I know I've made a mistake, and I will probably always regret it. Jesus, please forgive me, and wash me clean of this. Thank you, Lord. Amen!
Posted by Nikki ::
7:08 PM ::
0 comments
Friday, January 27, 2006
An Answered Prayer? Maybe.
My parent's were talking about my grandma's church. They both said that they wouldn't have a problem going to church there. I thought that was awesome. Hopefully, God is answering my prayer's.
Posted by Nikki ::
3:19 PM ::
0 comments
It's a question of WHEN, not IF it will happen. The Bible say's the world will become like it was in the day of Noah. If these aren't the day's of Noah, then I don't think I want to see what those are then. Everyday someone dies, as if their life was nothing. Everyday an abortion is performed, like that baby isn't even a human being. Everyday there are rumor's upon rumor's of wars. Lying, cheating, and stealing have become an everyday life of alot of companies. It's even in our government. How is that right? Blasphemy against God happen's on our porch steps. Even though over half of the US believe's in God, doesn't mean that there are more Christian's in this world than none believers. Millions up on million's out in the world don't believe in God. Or they believe in a god, or god's. The only thing I see wrong with that is the god they serve isn't MY God. And that's the thing. There is no other God, but my God.
I think more and more people are pushing their head's in the sand, because they know something is going on. They know something is up. They just don't want to face it. I feel like the earth is setting it's self up for something. Maybe it's setting it's self up for the rapture? I could only hope. I look at it this way. I would rather go my life believeing there is a God.Only to die and find out there's not. Than I would want to go my whole life believeing there's not, only to die and find out there is.
Posted by Nikki ::
4:46 AM ::
0 comments
I don't know if it's God, or the Holy Spirit. Well, I guess it's both since God is both. Anyway.I have a tugging of the heart, and whispering going on. An urgancy to get my parent's into church. We went to my grandma's church saturday night for dinner. Then just out of the blue they decided to do a fellowship. We went upstair's to do some singing, and it pretty much turned into a service. Which was awesome. So, we went Sunday morning, and it was AMAZING. God was so there with us. You could feel Him so strong, you could almost see Him.
I'm a Christian that believe's without a shadow of a doubt, Jesus WILL return in my life. Maybe this is why I have the sudden urge to get my parent's into a church. They believe, don't get me wrong. They just aren't religious? I guess that's the word...
I feel stuck sometime's. Like no matter how hard I try to do better as a Christian, the sinfulness of being a human drag's me back down. I know it will happen, and I should expect it. But sometime's I feel just so a shamed, because I feel like I've let God down. I just pray that I will be on the rapture end, when Jesus return's. I want to go to Heaven. But if I should stay here on earth, I will know that I did it to myself. Not that God did it to me.
When He Calls Me
Verse 1 When He calls me, I will answer. When He calls me, I will obey. When He calls me, I will answer.
Chorus I'll be somewhere, somewhere, I'll be somewhere listening for my name.
Verse 2 If my heart's right, I will answer. If my heart's right, I will obey. If my heart's right, I will answer.
Chorus
Verse 1
Chorus
Bridge Yes, I'll be somewhere. Yes, I'll be somewhere. Yes, I'll be somewhere. Yes, I'll be somewhere.
If I walk right, talk right, sing right, live right, I'll be somewhere listening for my name.
Somewhere listening for my name. Somewhere listening for my name. I'll be somwhere listening for my name, my name. Somewhere listening for my name, somewhere listening.
If I walk right, talk right, sing right, live right, I'll be somewhere listening for my name.
Posted by Nikki ::
10:43 AM ::
0 comments
